I’ve been keeping “strong” for everyone and lying to myself that I am. I’ll grab my make up and paint on a face that doesn’t say “I‘m grieving..” or I at least make sure that I’m playing my role. In my head, I’ve been telling myself that crying makes me look weak, being emotionally or mentally exhausted or falling apart makes me broken. I’ve labeled myself as damaged goods, because will I survive this? I question myself that every day and night. That’s almost scary to admit. I’ve been afraid of talking about how I’ve felt because I’m afraid of being judged for having thoughts or not being strong enough for everyone. It’s been getting heavier to carry and I’m starting to feel the pressure of it on my mind and heart.
So truth be told, I’m struggling and this is the worse battle I’ve ever faced. I miss my daughter that it hurts so bad. It’s hard to fathom the idea of living the rest of my life without her. It gets so bad, to the point that my chest hurts. Physically hurts. I’m learning that talking helps and not everyone is ready to throw to me into a mental facility because that’s all I see the outcome of when I picture me seeing an actual therapist. I’ve been avoiding talking for that reason. To clarify though, I’m not having suicidal thoughts because I understand that I’ve got two more reasons to live. I will say, that I understand though and that if there is anyone reading this who’s facing this battle as well, I’m here. It’s ugly and it gives such a rotten feeling to your bones that you don’t think there will be brighter days ahead. Grief has given me this. Losing my only daughter I have brought made me this way. I wish I could stand tall like a sunflower 24/7, even on the cloudiest and dark days. It still brings me to my knees though. These grief waves grow as time flies by without her. Time is showing no mercy either. It’s already July and we’re just shy by 2 months of it being a year without Nytalia. I’ve picked up that my grief turns to anger and it’s hard to let go of some days. It tries to consume me into a rage and I fight it off the best I can. It makes it hard to mother some days and I just have to walk away or take a shower and cry to release it all. If you think I’m oversharing, I’m not sorry and feel free to exit the blog.
This is for everyone grieving because lately there‘s been a lot of good people lost and taken to soon. Grief is Grief. It doesn’t matter if it’s your son/daughter, mother/father, brother/sister, aunt/uncle, grandma/grandpa; a lost loved one, is the biggest lost anyone could go through. We must learn to lean on one another, because we’re all struggling in some way. I’m just now learning this and I apologize to my family and friends for not accepting the help. I’m going to try to be honest more and to let someone know when I feel my head going under water. I’ve been pushing myself and being a lot harder on myself for not always doing more because I felt as if I’m not doing enough, or I’m failing as a mother if I decide to take time for myself. I just wish I could be that person who’s not affected by it and could conquer the world, maybe it would be easier than having to stop to take time for myself. I can tell I need a break, but I feel like it’s not fair. I hate being emotional because I’ve never wanted to be weak. I don’t like feeling cloudy in my mind because I know what I need to do. Ive always been never phased, strong headed and willed, that to see me broken in the mirror is scary.
This is the ugly truth though. My name is Nyssa and I’m grieving the loss of my only daughter but I need help healing. I need time and patience as I figure out who I am again as a broken hearted mother. I’m sorry if I’ve let you all down with finally taking off the mask. I’m not sorry for being honest though.
With much needed prayers and love,
Nyssa
P.S. I’m here for anyone struggling and I’m here to listen and maybe we could help each other.
just sharing a song thats been reminding me of my babygirl but if you’re experiencing a loss, give it a listen. The drum makes my heart feel better. ❤️🩹