June was always a month I looked forward too because the fact that it's my birthday month. This year is a lot different. I wasn't in a celebration mood for cake, a party, not anything honestly. If I could have one gift, it would be my daughter.
June 4th, we blessed and unveiled my daughter's headstone. It's bittersweet to finally be able to lay my eyes on it. The sad, permanent feeling it gives you is unbearable. You wish it wasn't real but the lump in your throat forms as you stare at how beautiful it is. We're just days away from being 9 months without Nytalia, yet almost 3 months away until her one year memorial. I question myself some days; like how am I supposed to keep going after a year? How do grieving mothers keep the will to continue life without their baby? My grief doesn't just go away after a year, it's going to continue my whole life. Everyday is reminder of her somehow. From memories that pop up on social media, to thinking about the milestones we should have completed by now when you think about how much time has passed. I may have her two brothers, but as selfish as it sounds, I want my 3 kids back together again. Some days I have high spirits to accomplish the world for her, other days I was to slip into sleep and not wake until I can see her again. I hope you're not reading this wondering why I'm not as hopeful. It getting exhausting wearing the mask every day to get through having to socialize, go to work and act as if it's okay over here. I don't like this world anymore without her here.
"Her absence is like the sky, spread over everything..."
I have a lot of relief though off my shoulders knowing her headstone is finally installed and we had a good turnout for the ceremony. That's one of the big ones off the list of "to-dos". I can focus the rest of my mind on the memorial planning. We've got a few things to share with you all as well. As some know, there's a lot of financial expenses when it comes to laying a loved one to rest unexpectedly. You all made it possible for my daughter to be laid to rest the way she deserves too; allowing us to be able to hold such peaceful wakes and a funeral, being able to purchase a casket customized to her personality, a vault to protect her and finally this beautiful headstone. Now with the memorial coming up, we've got a lot to accomplish and get done. We now have "In Memory" T-Shirts and other apparel we are selling to have part of the proceeds go towards the memorial and the rest to go towards the expenses of making the shirts. Purchasing your shirt with us now, guarantees you'll have one. The shirts will be ready by September. If you're interested in purchasing a shirt or etc., please reach out to myself or my mother to place an order. We do accept multiple forms of payment, such as:
Venmo - @Nytalia-Donations
Paypal - nyssa.ashes20@icloud.com
Cash App - $NytaliasDonations
Apple Pay
Also except other forms, just ask!
Item | Price | Size |
Adult Tee Shirt (65/35 Poly/Cotton) | $25 | (S-M-L-XL-2X-3X-4X) |
Adult Crew Neck Sweatshirt | $35 | (S-M-L-XL-2X-3X-4X) |
Adult Pullover Hoodie | $45 | (S-M-L-XL-2X-3X-4X) |
Adult Zipup Hoodie | $45 | (S-M-L-XL-2X-3X-4X) |
Youth Tee Shirt | $15 | (YS-YM-YL-YXL) |
Youth Pullover Hoodie | $30 | (YS-YM-YL-YXL) |
Toddler Tee | $15 | 2T,3T,4T,5/6 |
Toddler Hoodie | $25 | 2T,4T,5/6 |
Another thing that has been on my mind is what am I going to feel when I go back to the place of Nytalia's death. As you all know she passed at our campgrounds and was revived for only a short amount of time after because her body couldn't handle the trauma. I've been mentally preparing my head space for the flood of when I finally step foot on Land of Memories park again. It's probably the ptsd that has me over thinking it. I grew up loving the Mahkato Wacipi and my family will reminisce on memories we have from going there all these years. Nytalia was just baby when she started attending with us. She would crawl around in the tent, with multiple sleepers layered to keep her warm because some days and nights, it was chilly. Yet the cool air mixed with the smell of burning wood was always the best to wake up too. There's so much planning going into our trip up there this year. We're taking extra steps and being more cautious of mother nature now. Sitting through a storm was so normal before. It was never as bad as what had happened this past year. This year I want to make sure everyone is safe and somehow still manage to have a good time because if Nytalia were here, that's all she would start talking about again now that it's summer.
If you're looking for details about the Memorial, I will be keeping you updated through Facebook and the blog. What you can know now is that the dates are set for the 50th Annual Mahkato Wacipi and will run through September 16-18th. Nytalia's Memorial is set for September 17th, after the afternoon grand entry. We'll be sharing more once we know more. We are officially honorary pow wow committee members as well, so we are all planning a really good weekend to honor my daughter.
My family and I are open to help, if you'd like to help with the memorial in anyway. To help with some of the expenses, we've opened up new links to accept donations to go towards the memorial. You can find them on the website or my personal facebook. We really hope to see you all there, because this pow wow is one my favorites out of all I've been too and what they have planned to honor Wachi Win that saturday is so incredible. She loves attention and being the under the spotlight so even with her gone, she's still our princess and little diva.
Thank you as well, for staying by our side, having patience with us, offering us a shoulder to cry on or an ear to listen. Support is really a big deal when it comes to going through grief. My family and I have gained some amazing, generous souls to call our good friends. People I've never known or rarely have ever had conversations with, will send me messages about how they've been watching and if I ever need anything, I can call onto them. That gives such goosebumps and warms my heart. Nytalia was such a social butterfly, so it feels like she's helped bring people to us.
I'll be posting soon again. Thank you for your time.
With much love and appreciate,
Nyssa Ashes
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