Good evening, to all my friends and family. It's been a little while since I posted and just like that, 7 months without Nytalia came and passed already. I've been busy though and just wanted to post an update before bed.
Recently I started a new job and it's very new to me, but I can tell it's going to be the one I want long term now. I say it's new to me because I had to choose a job that wasn't going to be so hard on my body, especially because I don't have the physical strength I used to have. It's been going really good though and I'm actually really happy with it. It's even more beneficial because I work weekdays. Evenings, nights, weekends and holidays can now officially be dedicated to my sons and family, which has been a top priority now. Before I used to work doubles sometimes, spend most of my days or nights at work; Now I've realized that I'm dispensable to any jobs really. All that time I was putting in regularly or overtime, cost me time with my 3 kids. I regret it somedays when I think back on it, like "wow, I busted my ass some days and yet it still didn't pay off in the end." So, I'm finding that balance, for the sake of my sons. Working keeps us afloat yes, but my kids are my life and I'm going to make the most of it while I can.
Lately, I've also been spending time with friends and slowly easing myself back into the social world. I disconnected myself from the world mentally, emotionally but it feels good again. I've had conversations I was afraid of having 6 months ago in September when I used to think "how will I ever function or live through this.." Don't get me wrong, I still have moments when I need to let out a good cry whether that's when I'm alone in my room, driving to or from work, when a certain song plays or even if I just talk about her. Hearing people tell me their perspective of me as "strong" or "How incredibly well I'm doing by staying composed and continuing for my sons." I can't help but think is that really how well I seem to being doing? It's just interesting to hear but the little me in my head that doing all the patching in my mind and heart, sighs proudly. I'm also happy to have the friends I do and for their children also, because it keeps my sons happy to not feel the emptiness, they grew to with their sister being gone. I can't thank creator enough for giving me all these people who are here and a part of this with me.
A conversation with someone I consider a big sister has been stuck in my mind. She understands the loss I'm experiencing with a daughter. What she said about if she was ever offered that time again, knowing very well that there was a deadline, would she do it all over again? "Absolutely." I've thought about it all this time and I definitely would do it all over again also. Some probably think, why would you put yourself through it again? Because it's not going to be the same again, I'm going to make sure I do everything even better than the first time. I know she knows how much I love her but the time itself is valuable to me. It's just like those saying of wishing heaven had visiting hours. Sometimes I even just want to project my love that I have for to another. There will never be another Nytalia but to give my love to one who's missing it, might be my next plan but first I want to get through dedicating this year to my daughter and making it all about her.
I have a jingle dress currently in the making for me to dance again. Hopefully by September my regalia should be completed/ready. Plus, my boys are going to dance as well! I'm so excited. It's been a really long time and lately I've been reconnecting to my culture to heal. We believe also that was my daughter's purpose or the lesson from creator. She's believed to be an ancestor or reincarnated soul to bring us back to our ways. I feel it too. Going back to my first pow wow this year in Vermillion, brought my heart some relief. Like the beat of the drum just took the weight off of me. I'm looking forward to dancing, because it will be for her. I will dance in hopes of her spirit being out there with me. This fast city life, work life, motherhood, all of it can really sweep you up in like a tornado. I'm learning to keep it all weighted down. My family and I have stronger sense to it also. It's crazy to feel the changes but hard to understand the ways Creator had to make it this way by taking her back. I'm blessed to have Wachi Win to call as my daughter though. When things feel tough again, I pray on it to find an answer or way to fall back into place. Slowly healing piece by piece.
I've been putting in the time more with my sons since my jobs allows me too. I was able to chaperone my sons field trip and it felt good to be that mom. Gabriel totally thought it was embarrassing to have me there. It was an enjoyable experience for me though, to spend time with him, talk with his teacher since I haven't officially met her because she returned to the classroom after maternity leave and Gabriel took some time off from school after losing his little sister. So, she was the one who brought up how incredible it was to see me there, being beyond strong for Gabriel. Like I said it was interesting to hear, because I've had this aspect for a little while thinking I was sad, little dark cloud when I'm around people. It feels good to hear the opposite. At home, we started working on teaching him to ride a bike and at the same time we are currently planning his 10th.. TENTH BIRTHDAY. I literally am shook and want to happy cry that we've came this far. Now I say that because when I had him, I was young and it felt like all odds were against me because of that. Now I'm proud of the boy he's becoming, even though he's the male version mix of me but amplified some days. Sigh.. Why am I like that. I've been avoiding using abbreviations but I have to LOL on that one. So if you're wanting to send Gabriel a birthday shout out, etc. or even stop in to see us, don't be afraid to reach out. May the 4th or May the force I should say is his birthday!
Nysenio is also doing good. Being the spunky, fire hearted two-year-old as ever. Some days his little fire can flame out and get the best of his day but sometimes cuddles and quiet time is all that is needed. I can't imagine what he feels some days. I know he misses his big sister because he'll ask me "sissy go bye?" It's hard to explain but we have moments when we lay down and I play videos or show him pictures of her so he can keep her memory alive in his little mind. He's getting to be so big amongst this also. He's talking more and I got a notice that his fall he can do start early childhood. I can't believe it's time for that already too! He's so antisocial. If you went to his birthday party back in October, you probably already know that.. LOL. I had too, I'm sorry. He surprises me all time though, like once you get him to warm up to you, he's picked up so many traits of his sisters that it's hard to believe because she's not even here to show him that. I have a feeling she comes to see him though because he will be playing, laughing and talking to someone else when he's alone. So, I take a minute to pray to his sister that she watches over him and continues to be there for him because she loved to play "mama" to him. I'm blessed for how much my 3 kids love each other. It makes me proud to be their mama.
May is coming so fast! Yet it's filled with birthdays, family events, my little cousin's graduation that I'm excited for. Alot of good celebrations needed. Some good family time. Late May I should have an announcement so continue to check back on here, my Facebook page I'll have connected to here. I just wanted to give you a little something to read and to keep you updated of course. I didn't want to end April without posting.
Have a goodnight everyone! Much love and prayers to all for taking the time to read. I appreciate all of you. Until the next posting;
