February has always had a special meaning to me. It's the birthday month to a few family members but one specifically I always looked forward too. Tressa. My cousin. She's always been that one cousin that you look forward to seeing at family events. She's been like sister since we grew up closely. I'm a little older but she was always my person. She'd be 23 this year and I know she would be an amazing young woman. She probably is honestly. I think when our family lost her, that was the first real loss that I felt. It was a new kind of hurt and pain for me. It was hard because I did feel as if I lost my best friend. She was my go-to all the time. It was so unreal.
Fast forward to these last few years. I've lost many loved ones. Grandmas. Grandpas. My daughter. All the people I really didn't expect to lose so soon. So, when I think about Nytalia crossing over to the spirit word, it does give me some peace knowing that they've all got her. That even though living without her is one of the hardest battles I've faced, she's got a lot of love up there. I pray every day that they are with her. Especially Tressa. She was here when I first had my oldest. She loved on him all the time when we were together. I know she probably watched over us and my kids. Her and Nytalia would have clicked, I know that for sure. Their personalities are similar in ways. Both so bright eyed, goofy, outspoken, fierce and beyond beautiful. I miss them both so much. Not a day goes by that I don't think of Nytalia, but especially when I think about her with all the family, getting to know them and learning who we are. It makes me feel a little better. My great grandma Florence. I remember her for all the caramel hard candies she would give me. I was pretty young when she passed. My grandma Lynette. I miss Greenwood when I think of her. Our family trips to her house over the summer were always the best. Her house always felt like home. Her meals were the best. I remember her making wojapi at like 1am because we were just craving it. My great grandma Mary Virgina. She's my grandma Lynette's mom. She was there at the house when we would go visit. I used to be amazed that she was 93 years old when she passed. She was the sweetest. The Ashes family women all seem to be alike honestly if all of us were in one room together. You'd automatically know we are related. My grandpa Julius. He was one the best as well. I used to love going around in my hot rod of cars when I first got my license to drive. Grocery shopping and errands were the best days with him. Sneaking off to food sometimes when it was just us two and my son Gabe. I miss every one of them that passed. Even the ones I haven't listed.
"The depth of grief that you felt with all the losses is the depth of love...
Currently on the road to recovering my shoulder that was injured by the tree. My muscles are a little bit messed up and torn off the bone. It was weird to see it on an MRI of the precise spot, that seemed small on screen but making me feel so weak now. Feeling not as physically strong as I use to be. We're hoping injections and therapy should help. We'll see in two months from now if it made any difference. Hopefully. I'm getting better nights rest some nights. Although I wish I could turn my mind off so I could avoid the nightmares. I've been trying to sort my feelings better mentally also. I sit and think about all the changes and recognize them so that way when I'm better, I can learn how to accept them. Like I always say though, some days are hard. Some aren't. Some I'm able to get ready and others I just want to stay home and never leave. I prepare myself as we approach our 5th month without Nytalia. I can't believe we are that far in already.
When I think about Nytalia, I feel this pull that feels like more than missing her. Especially when I'm on Facebook and see all my friends with their similar age daughters. Makes me feel as if I'm having withdrawals from not having her here. I miss her soft brown curls that smell of her berry detangler. I miss her light brown eyes that could consume you with stare. I miss her warm, little chubby hands that would cup your face when she would get close to tell you something. I miss the warmth of her lying next to me at night in bed. I miss the way she would call me "Mama". I miss doing the things we would do together, such as shopping, going to the park, going to see their little friends over the weekend, taking them to swim at hotels. I miss my little 3 peas in a pod as a whole. Before she passed, she had started school and I was extremely on edge because she is so bold without boundaries. I was nervous about how well she would adjust to the time away from home, myself, her brother and her grandmas. My baby girl has always been big for her age and when we attended the open house for school, some mistaken her for an older age or grade. I was afraid that she would use that to her advantage because whenever she had to, she stood her ground and always defended herself. She was always so brave, strong and very confident for being 3 years old. Yet as spunky as she could be, she was also very caring. She loved to help others especially when it came to all grandmas and grandpas. Even in public to those she didn't know. When she became a big sister, she loved to play the mama role and help me with things when it came to her "baby bro-bro". She was always the perfect mix. My family and I look back and talk about things she did months before the accident. One thing that stands out now: there was a change in her. Like there was this odd amount of maturity she had for the 3 almost - 4-year-old she was. She would come home from school and tell use she's just really tired after telling us how her day was. She would go upstairs, change her clothes and would go to sleep on her own. There were things that seemed totally off up until the time of her passing. She was quiet and a lot more observant of all of us. She would stand off to the side and watch all the adults talk or do something as if she was soaking in the moment. It may sound strange to explain it to you all, but it means something to us. I can't explain what exactly but her old soul energy was very strong those last few weeks with her. It felt so true when I was told she was a sacred little girl and was a reincarnated elder from the past. Makes sense as why she did certain things without being shown, said things that we've never taught her. I just wish she didn't have to go...
Awhile back, I posted on my Facebook that at the time of her passing, I came to the crossroads of choosing for her to be an organ donor. My first instinct was "How could they ask me this... I just lost her, and I'm supposed to giveaway pieces of her?" Although, it would be against who she was if I didn't choose too. It was one of the many hard decisions I had to make. I said yes though... She was an eye and tissue donor. Lifesource has been sending me mail each month of how to cope with my loss and other information. Today though was different. I received a letter from them. Inside that letter, they inform me that on September 28th, Nytalia's eye donation was given to man named Jim. Inside the letter was another envelope from the donation recipient. He wrote to me how thankful he was for having the gift of sight again. It had me teary but also I felt relief. One of things they fair warned me about was that if her donations didn't find a match, after some time they would dispose of. I'm relieved that she was able to help and now I have the opportunity to write him back. I'm able to tell him about Nytalia and even share a picture. I'm trying to think of what to say or what to share. What to write. This was a little light for my week though. It was something good to start my Monday with. I know a piece of her is still on this earth and keeping her spirit and memory alive.
I will forever love and miss my sunflower. Nytalia Isadora Ashes. My Wachi Win.
Until next time, Nyssa
Nytalia on her first day of school in September 2021.
