I've avoided writing all month because I really did let myself slip underwater. Going on the 3rd month without Nytalia was a lot harder than the last, given it being the holidays. You know that happy time of the year but reality of it? I truly didn't have Christmas spirit but for my sons I forced it.
Now here we are, it's currently 7:15pm as I type this. The last day of 2021. I wish I could say I'm excited for the coming year or even acknowledge people wishing me "Happy New Year" when this little, tiny voice in my head is saying, "What's so happy about it?" I'm grieving a child. I'm definitely not going to be living my best life anytime soon. I'm not where I ever expected to be in life. I carry so much doubt about my life, God, and in anything that ever seem to make sense before. What I envision is me living a very grey life some days. Other days, I'm pep talking myself that we are going to keep living life for my daughter and still continue the goals I had when it was the 3 of them. Grief waves come and go. Stronger than others some days.
My plans for 2022 are plans I never wanted. Planning the arrival of Nytalia's headstone, her memorial, Gabriel's double-digit birthday, Nysenio's birthday. Other things that come every year that I should be excited over, you know? Amongst all that though, I'm going to try to work on myself. Getting my emotions and mentality in place. Making healthier choices for myself and working to lose weight. Trying to finally get therapy done for my arm because I've held off on it. I tell myself all the time, its's not as bad as what happened to Nytalia.. or I'll convince myself to put up with because I'm 26 and should be able to walk it off. I also decided that I should start a hobby, making custom shirts and it was done on a whim. Well, here I am learning but also doubting myself because so many people do you know, so what would make me any better or good at it. (So, if you're wanting somethings, I'll attempt it for you!)
You're probably thinking that I'm being too hard on myself or that I shouldn't be punishing myself. Yet, some days, it's all I can do. If I could throw punches at myself, I would. I'm noticing more and more I have a little bit of anger starting to flame. Sometimes all I want to do is scream and rage out completely. Like a wildfire. It would concern people and set me back even farther though, so I shrug it off. Hopefully getting started at a gym would help let some steam out. Also, if you have tips on stuff about weight loss, working out or etc. Send them my way, please. Thankfully, I'll have someone to help keep me motivated and go to the gym with me.
I really don't know how to end this either. What should I close with? Do I just keep writing what I feel?
I miss my daughter so much and there's a lot that triggers me to cry. Gabriel and I went to watch the new Spider-man movie and during the emotional scenes, I literally had to fight tears. I think the PTSD gets the best of me because as I shared on my Facebook status once, I get these forced like thoughts and flashbacks to that night. I see things in my head, that I don't want to remember. I have a lot of positivity about where she's at. I know she's with our family. I know have plenty of grandmas, grandpas, my cousin Tressa and other family all their to be with her and guide her. Those sayings you see all the time on social media about how you wish there was visiting hours in heaven. I feel those for sure. I wish I had a way to check on her myself, to reassure myself she's okay. It's just hard to accept some days. I miss having my daughter. I miss having that girliness in my household. I miss shopping in the girl's section at clothing stores. I miss buying her favorite characters or toys. I miss fixing her hair. I miss having my "Nyssa 2.0". I love my sons so much, but I'd given anything to just have my daughter.
I'm thankful for you all taking a moment to hear me out. I know I have a lot of support friends and family. So really appreciate the prayers, thoughts, words and everything has done to help me in any way. I've had a lot of kind gestures sent my way over December and I truly have a lot of people to thank once I get through this year of mourning. We're still trying to figure out means as far as our medical bills, but it is clear that her & I's Medicaid will not cover anything because you have to be within the 50 mile range from the state line, for it to be covered. Unfortunately, Mankato is much farther than the 50 miles from the South Dakota state line. So, I'll be making shirts on the side to put towards it. This page even will be set up to sell memorial shirts, sweaters and things that will be in honor of my daughter, so look for that in the near future. Our website page is even set up to donate if anyone is wanting too. I know so much has been done for me, but I've learned very fast that it's very expensive to put a child to rest.
So, with that, I'll promise to blog more. Share things. Share memories. I really hope everyone else is having a Happy New Year and a safe one as well!
With love,
Nyssa
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