It's January 25th already... It's sad to think that time shows no mercy. Each day passes as if it's distancing me from my daughter more and more. I know it doesn't really, but it feels like it does from the last moment I physically had her in my arms. This year is kicked off for everyone as a new year on the first of January, but for me it started September 17th. I've got 8 months with a mile long list of things and plans to get done before it's up. If most don't know, my family and I are in mourning for a year, as tradition when you lose a loved one. Especially as someone as special and sacred as my daughter.
My sons are growing their hair out as well because after the year is up, they plan to dance in honor of their sister. I want too as well. It's been a long time for me. I remember being a little girl and my family taking us to the pow wow in Mankato every year. I had a beautiful jingle dress and dancing was so much fun. I still have some things from then, that I wanted to give Nytalia this year because it was going to be her time to shine. In January of 2020, I came across this woman who made beautiful jingle dresses and had asked her to make Nytalia's first jingle dress. It was so beautiful, bright and sparkly. Nytalia loved anything that had glitter, sparkled or bling. Unfortunately, that's when the pandemic kicked off; putting an end to pow wows that year. I held on to the dress, in hopes that maybe the pandemic would go away or that maybe she could dance soon. Eventually she outgrew the dress and we passed it on to another little girl. So, in September the day before the tragic accident, she was excited about camping, having a bonfire, seeing all our family. She was especially excited about dancing. My mother and I had planned to have her birthday party there at the campsite and had hopes to also buy a jingle dress from a stand as a birthday gift. Little did we know that my uncle and aunt had already made her dresses as one of her birthday gifts. She should have gotten to experience the family weekend she was looking forward too. She's been going there since she was a baby, but this year felt different since she was a little older and was able to get the full experience. If only... One thing that will always be in my heart: is that even though that was my darkest moment, the amount of generosity, compassion, support and love that was shown to our family there in Mankato was practically breathtaking. Had you known Nytalia's personality, she was all about being there for people. She was always helping, showing love in her own way and making sure that it brought people together. She was an old soul. The energy there felt like she had a hand in making sure we knew she was there with all of us. I know she was out there dancing, living up to her name. Wachi Win.
On another note, this year feels very full already. I've got so much to plan for Nytalia, then birthdays amongst my family, my oldest son's 10th birthday, we've got a graduation in our family, my daughters headstone revealing and a lot more. Amongst all of that, I'm very appreciative of having my family by my side and all of the good friends we've gained along with ones that have been there every day since.
I'm family oriented, always have been. When I became a mother, I've never really had to worry about anything really. My support system with just my family alone, was more than enough. I've got lots of aunts, uncles, grandmas and grandpas that all have had a hand in helping me raise my kids. I think it's safe to say that since my daughter's passing, we've all had our highs and lows. We are still trying to move forward the best way we can. We all have obstacles that we are trying to overcome. We've had to weed out unsupportive "friends and family" together. Those one-sided relationships, when you're not benefiting from it though. It's unfortunate that we have to go through that at a time like this. We've even had some that tried to speak negatively about my daughter, her passing, her funeral or of us as family. What comes around, goes around... It's out of our hands and the least of our worries.
I felt like writing today. Despite some days it seems like I don't have the energy to get ready for the day, I try to at least accomplish other things. I'm trying to feel like I got this. Still trying to understand my new world and a new me honestly. I feel as if I lost my sense of self. I don't want to be defined as strong though. Alot of people say that to me. "You're so strong..." Trust me when I say I don't feel it. I wish I could see the "me" they see. I'm trying to sort me out mentally also. So never take my distancing personal. It's that old saying It's not you, It's me. Haha. It's true though. Sometimes even just socializing is a lot some days. I'm grateful that your here though.
You can continue reading if you want too but this going to go to a different audience now.
I have a list of all the jingle dress dancers that taken a part of the special that was done in my daughters' honor at the Mankato pow wow. We've been trying to sort out who are adults and who's kids. I've been searching the names in Facebook and friending those who I recognize. If you know of any of the women or girls that had danced that day, shoot me a message or send them my way on Facebook so I can add them as friends. I'm trying to make an official list to keep until the memorial. We've noticed some names are signed twice but some have different spellings. We also want to find the parents of the girls that were much younger to stay in touch. I've got a friend helping out also. My Facebook messenger is currently not working though, so my contact information is listed here on the website. If you have any questions or information, please reach out.
Thank you all for reading. Take care. Much love.
-Nyssa Ashes
Here is a picture of me when I was little and was dancing at Mankato pow wow and one of Nytalia as a baby in our tent. (I was a mess, I know)
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