"Heavy Untold Thoughts"

Tonight I want to share what's been bothering me the most. I've had a lot on my mind that it's been hard to keep track of everything. So how do I begin?

We're two days shy from it being two months without Nytalia. Two months. 60 days. When I say it, it sounds less than it's felt. I wish time could freeze so I could take as long as I need to heal from this. That way, the anxiety, stress, and tears wouldn't be as bad it has been. I've been putting a weighted blanket on how I've felt lately. As well as slapping on a mask with a smile that is a lie. It's been hard to accept some days that she's permanently gone. I read somewhere that grief doesn't ever go away or get smaller, that we make space and learn to live with it. I know some days it feels that way. My daughter's death has given me PTSD, which itself is hard to manage. I've felt so much change in myself. I'll never really be the "Nyssa" everyone knew me as. Some nights I can go without sleep all night. Even with the nighttime anxiety medication that was prescribed to help. Some days, I can't handle being in large crowds such as grocery stores, etc. The first month or so, I was extremely irritable and it was so hard to explain why that all I could do honestly was cry. The worst part of the PTSD is the nightmares though. It's the reason I don't want to sleep most nights. Plus, there's the actual pain in my left shoulder/arm.

Some know but not all, so I'll explain. The night of the tragic accident, the tree didn't just fall onto her but me as well. I remember watching the winds practically pick up our tent and drop us hard. I remember feeling scared and figured it was time I get my youngest son, Nysenio, and Nytalia to the car. I woke him up and then got ready to wake her up. I hollered "Nytalia!" Before I could do anything else, everything went black. I felt so much pain and it was as if I couldn't breathe. I was faced down on the ground and used everything in me to scream for help. I remember my aunt and uncle being the first two there. They ripped the rest of the tent open and the tree had rolled off us. Nytalia wasn't saying anything. My aunt told me they carried me to the nearby picnic table and my eyes were rolling back as if I was going to blackout. That's as far as I can go through. I'm sorry, it's just hard to relive mentally everything that happened after. So going forward, I recently was seen for my shoulder and was told it could be a tendon torn off the bone by centimeters, which is why I still have some pain and find it hard to use or move sometimes. So there are a couple of options as far as treatment. Most of it requires time of course.

One of the biggest things I've been trying to overcome recently is Christmas. The one other holiday my daughter loved besides her birthday. I've been battling myself about what to do. What I know for sure is that I didn't want to continue with things, as if everything is peachy here and that nothing has changed because everything has. I find it so hard to stay away from the girls' section when shopping. Seeing everything she would have loved but that I can no longer buy. You're probably thinking, "You can easily gift it to another little girl in honor of her." I know that and plan too, but it feels different when it's my daughter. I'm not even sure if that makes sense, but it's how I feel. I don't want her to ever think that she's forgotten or left out. I'll do Christmas because I know she would want that for her brothers. She would want them to still have that magical feeling of it with the whole family around them but to also know she's with us every step of the way. This is the first holiday season without her though so it still hurts for me but I won't let that show in front of my sons. So just keep us close in your prayers for this is one of the hardest holiday seasons ever.

The next thing I'm going to share is something I didn't even think was going to ever come up so it's part of why I've been so stressed. I don't even know how to start this topic either but I'm going to do my best. I'm a single mother of 3 children. So my children are on South Dakota Medicaid for health insurance. When Nytalia was checked into the ER and what was initially in my mind at the time was that she was going to be flighted to Rochester, Minnesota. That's was the doctors had passed along to me. So the nurse took her insurance card to make a copy. We even called in called the billing department of the hospital to make sure they had it on file. Just recently I received unpaid bills for Nytalia, which has been a complete shocker to me because I knew I gave them her Medicaid card. So I called Medicaid to see if any bills were submitted from the hospital. Come to find out, because Nytalia sought medical attention and died past state lines, Medicaid will not cover anything. You know how hard that was to hear. It was a pretty sugar-coated sentence saying I'm sorry but if your daughter was going to get injured or die, it should be in South Dakota. I wasn't even aware of it this was going to be the outcome. I was so blessed with so many supporting us with the PayPal donations at the time of her death, that I was able to cover her wakes, funeral, the casket with small details, vault, and everything I unexpectedly had to plan. This feels as if I took a big leap back. It's as if I wasn't drowning then, that it's up to my neck now.

Matter of fact, when I mentally take a step back to look at everything around me; I question how could God let it get this dark and grey for me. How could I go from celebrating my daughter's 4th birthday party to planning her funeral in a matter of weeks? I'm not ready to go back to work yet. This is when I wish I could freeze time. Our tradition is to mourn for one year, but it's barely going to be two months and I'm already emotionally drained, mentally exhausted, and physically tired. What is a grieving mother to do? I reopened a link to donate on the webpage. It's a lot to ask once again but I will not push it. Just know I've been so grateful for everything since September 17th for everyone's unconditional support, prayers, and thoughts.

This blog helps.

I feel it right now.

To be able to let everything.

Complete raw emotions.

Untold thoughts.

- Nyssa

#Forever4WachiWin