Nytalia was my one and only daughter. She's my second child, I never imagined or planned on having after my son Gabriel; but she was also the gift I never knew I needed until I had her in my arms. She came at the most unexpected, yet perfect timing. It excited me to have a little girl but terrified me at the same time. I wanted to give her the world and always hoped that I would be a good enough mother to raise her into woman.
I'm 9 days shy from it being 6 months without her already. Half a year. It feels like she was only in my head and in my dreams. I remind myself that she is real when I look at pictures and videos of her. It's hard to fathom the thought that I used to have a daughter because even though I can remember her, think of her and tell myself that she was real, I'm currently living in a new world where she no longer exists. Not really a trace of her left behind because all I really have are pictures and videos along with small mementos of her. I remember when we got back from Mankato and returned to our home for the first time without her was one of the worse feelings. Having to come up to what was once her room too, to pack up everything of hers to burn as tradition was even harder. It was if she was being ripped away from me and I couldn't even get one moment to process. Everything happened so fast for me that month.
I've come to terms with a lot of permanent thoughts and feelings. It's probably hard to understand for some but for other parents that are grieving in some groups that I'm a part of, they get me. I no longer feel like the mother I used to be inside. I'm for certain that if weren't for my sons, I'd want no part of this world anymore. I can't give up on my sons though; So, I continue picking myself up for them. I feel like the mother side of me is slightly broken though because whether it was Nytalia's time or not to go, I feel at fault. I should have gotten us out of there faster or I should have done more. You can tell me otherwise, but it's embedded in me all the time. It whispers at me all the time. It pulls sights into my head I wish I didn't see. I truly wish sometimes that I just had been unconscious the whole time or even in her place, so it wasn't her. I'm being upfront about everything because as I type it feels as if weight is lift off me right now. I feel lost as Nyssa. I see a lot of grieving mothers say that it's as if a part of them died when they lost their child and I completely feel that. I'm trying to figure out this new me. If you ever seen Trolls, there's a scene when Poppy loses her color after feeling like she failed. That's probably the best visual example of how I feel as a person now. Only, I'm adjusting to the fact that maybe I'll never get my color back and that's okay with me. I'm told it takes time to heal, but I don't think I'll heal completely to feel like how I used to feel but maybe in a new way eventually. I appreciate you all taking your time with me too. It means a lot to me because I don't always want to be this dark little cloud. Recently, I had gotten to see some really good friends who were all old co-workers and it felt really good to just feel a little bit of normality, despite the fact that I had to break down and cry when it was my turn to share how things have been going. It's really clear to me that I have a lot of good people to surround myself with besides just my family.
Okay now to move on to a happier topic!
After Nytalia's 2nd birthday, I had it set in my head that my daughter was going to be a jingle dress dancer and that I would go back to dancing to be out there with her. I remember having no clue where to begin on getting regalia made for Nytalia. I knew I wanted a dress made just for her though. I started searching dresses to get ideas, looking at Facebook groups that sometimes sell regalia, searching hashtags on Instagram of other girls' dresses. Then that lead me to come across these beautiful jingle dresses made by a woman in Canada named Jess. Immediately I sent her a follow and started messaging her about possibly making a dress for my daughter. When it came to picking out the design, Nytalia currently loved the movie, Trolls. After that, she loved anything bright, colorful, sparkly or glittery. So, we went with that and let me tell you, when we got the dress; I was in love with it! Maybe more than Nytalia was at the time, but the dress just fit her personality. It was so beautiful. I was excited to have her dance!
Sadly, pow-wows were put to an end because that was back in 2020 when the pandemic started. We waited about a year and Nytalia ended up growing out of the dress before we could even let her wear it to a pow wow. I made the decision to pass it on to another little girl who could use it and show off Jess's amazing work. I posted it for sale in one of the groups and that's how I met Corena and her daughter Adriana. She bought the dress from us and stayed in contact after she received it in the mail. She said her daughter loved the dress and she even sent me pictures of her trying it on. Just this week, I got another message from Corena, and she shared pictures of Adriana with her regalia on and with the dress coned. It had me cry happy tears to see it so beautifully finished and her wearing it. I hadn't gotten to explain what happened to Nytalia until then and Corena shared beautiful words about how Adriana will be dancing for Nytalia and I; That it's also an honor to carry it on. I'm so happy that they were the ones to get the dress because it felt like Nytalia was still showing she's here in a way when I got their surprising message.
Even though my daughter is gone from this world, I know her spirit is still around us. She makes her way, showing signs, and I think that's what holds me together yet as well. It's so odd, but everything has worked out in a way after she passed. Her passing in Mankato, brought us new friends and lots of love, support and generosity. I found out a child size casket is 4x the amount of an adult size one, so even though I picked an adult size; It was a beautiful rose gold, and the funeral home had a beautiful Native American insert of a jingle dress dancer. I remember thinking after everything was over with and still do now, but what are the odds of it being so perfect for her. It gives me a little peace with everything that we went through even if it is traumatic for me at times. Down below are pictures of Nytalia & Adriana both wearing the dress that Jess made for her. Corena has given me permission to share her daughters picture with you all. In the other picture are the two dresses (the white jingle dress and the mermaid shall with a frozen themed dress) that my uncle and aunt made for her as a birthday surprise for her that weekend. The pink and blue dress was given to Nytalia the day after her passing, when we stayed at the pow wow that weekend. That's also where she was given her native name. It means dancing girl. She will always be Nytalia but is also now called Wachi Win. I also plan to dance again, but now in honor of my daughter. I'm hoping it will bring me a closer feeling to her.
I thank you all for taking the time to read. This was something so special with me, that I wanted to share with you all.
Until next time...
-Nyssa
Such beautiful dresses made by amazing souls, worn by two lovely little girls.